Potty Training for Dummies, Part II

"Mommy? I wanna go potty!"

"You do?"

Baby nodded.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah."

I got up from the den floor, where I was sitting and talking to Hubs. "Come on then, let's go to the bathroom."

"No! No! I wanna go potty in yere! In yere."

I thought for a moment. Whatever works, right?

"Okay. I'll bring it in here."

I brought the still-unchristened potty into the den and put it in the middle of the floor. "Okay, Baby," I said, taking off her diaper. "Time to go potty."

Grinning, she sat down on the seat for a few seconds, then stood up. "All DONE!"

I looked in the potty. "Nope. Nothing there. Try again."

She sat back down and wriggled her butt for a moment. "All done!" she said, standing up again.

"Baby you're not going potty. You have to tinkle," I said.

"Mommy, you go. You go potty."

"No."

"No, you go potty, Mommy."

I looked hesitantly at Hubs.

"Go ahead," he said.

"I can't believe I'm doing this." Awkwardly, I tried to pretend to sit on the one-foot-tall potty and pee.

"See, Baby? Mommy's going potty!"

I could tell she wasn't buying it.

"....Ssssssssssssssss," I said. "Ah! Mommy went potty!"

I looked up at Hubs, my ass wedged between the potty arm rests.

"And I have hit rock bottom."

He laughed.

"Seriously. I just pretended to pee on a child-sized potty in front of the man with whom I'm hoping to get it on tonight."

Baby ran over to Hubs.

"Da da go potty!"

Da da stopped laughing.

"Yeah! Da da go potty!" I echoed.

Sighing heavily, he got down on the floor and crouched over the potty.

If my re-enactment was embarrassing, his was a thousand times worse. My Alpha Male husband was pretending to pee like a girl into a baby potty. And it was fucking hilarious.

"Sssssssss," he said shyly. "Da da went potty."

His knees crackled as he stood up. "Now Baby go potty."

She sat down. "Ssssssss," she said, then stood up.

"Baby went potteeeeeee!" she shouted, before running from the room.

Baby two. Parents zero.