For Local Blog
Hi Lindsay,
I wanted to share a fun website that you and other mommies will really enjoy for listening to your favorite music-- it’s called PANDORA.
Haven’t heard of Pandora.com? It’s a free, online personalized radio service that allows you to easily create radio stations based on songs and artists that you like.
Frankly, this e-mail irritated me. For one thing, I don't particularly appreciate the fact that we were referred to as "you and other mommies." "Mommy" is one of those titles best treated with care. If I refer to my friends as "mommies," it's sort of hokey and funny. If a Senior PR Manager does it, though, it's condescending. Know what I mean?
The other thing that annoyed me is that, come on. I'm like, wired. And I live in Music City. And I write for an alt-weekly. OF COURSE I'VE HEARD OF PANDORA. Just because I'm a "mommy" doesn't mean I live under a... a pile of stuffed animals.
This whole thing reminded me of something I read in Susan Getgood's recap of the Johnson and Johnson Baby Camp Experience (I know, I'm getting dangerously close to doing what I despise, but bear with me). Here's an excerpt:
Jaelithe has a terrific post that covers her expectations for Camp Baby as well as how well they were met. Overall, she was impressed with the event but wondered if the organizers really understood beforehand who they had invited:
"During one presentation by a Johnson and Johnson scientist focused on product safety, the presenter quipped that by the end of her presentation, she'd have turned us all into amateur scientists. And I had to stifle a laugh, considering that I was sitting three feet away from a former neuroscientist, and couldn't glance in any direction without my gaze falling on current or former nurses. To be sure, the non-scientist, non-health-professional members of the group were a majority. But many of them, I am sure, were teachers, or lawyers, or reporters, or professional freelance writers, or ad execs, etc., (and many others, I am sure, had been such, before they became stay-at-home-moms)."
This is a common misconception about mom bloggers -- that they are "just" moms... It's why so much of the outreach addressed to moms is somewhat condescending.
And that's when it dawned on me (at the gym on the elliptical of course, where all things dawn on me) that advertisers and PR firms by and large aren't pitching us, they're pitching their own mothers. Or even their mother's mothers. They're pitching a woman who doesn't exist, a woman who didn't leave home until she married, and never wanted to do anything in life but clean her house and have babies.
I say this because I don't know the mothers of most television commercials. I don't know women who stand in their laundry rooms comparing a t-shirt washed in Wisk to one washed in the leading brand. I don't know women who talk to the animated reflection of a bald man in their kitchen counter about whether their kitchen is properly disinfected. I don't know women with newborns who live in immaculate houses and find time to do their hair and makeup, put on a clean, pressed outfit and indulgently care for a happy, gurgling baby. I don't know women who chat with each other about how to get their toilets sparkling clean.
The moms I know all had careers before (and after) they had children. They are college educated. They are well read. They keep up with current events and trends. They didn't spit out their brains along with their babies. But you wouldn't know it looking at most advertisements targeted to moms.I am so tired of being treated like I lost my style, my taste, my edge and my intellect- all because I decided to have kids. I'm still the same person I was pre-baby. Having children has only increased my compassion and my capacity to love- It didn't turn me into a Lysol-obsessed nincompoop. The media's interpretation of mothers and motherhood impacts the way others see us. When exactly are they going to figure out who we are?
51 comments:
Perfectly stated. Thanks!
"For one thing, I don't particularly appreciate the fact that we were referred to as "you and other mommies.""
Fo shizzle, my mizzle. Although I'm getting used to it. :}
But, it's worse when they are also pitching you body image. I received an offer for free panties from Victoria Secret a few weeks ago. Apart from the sheer wrongness of their offer being made to me in the first place, it then struck me as a little annoying for them to be sending a new mom (I can only presume that their marketing was based on some mommy mailing list that I'm on somewhere) a reminder that she ought to have lost the baby weight by now, so come get some too-small underwear.
I agree with most of what you said, but I still hate that women refer to other women as "just moms" in a derogatory tone. A career is not the one and only thing that makes a woman more than just a mom. I dropped out of college after 3 years, because I just wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Instead, I worked a part-time job that I loved, paid attention to my young marriage, volunteered several days a week at a pregnancy care center, and yes, even "kept house". So, while I understand that you and others are really just trying to say that there is much more to us than being mothers, it often seems that the only other thing that can be added to that is a "career". If a woman really does love cleaning house, chasing after her kids all day, spending time with friends,and has a few hobbies here and there, then she deserves the same respect as a woman who used to be a doctor but gave it up to be a stay-at-home mom. One is not a more complete woman than the other, as long as she is happy.
Also, let me just say that I don't think that you are hating on certain women. It is just that I get really irritated by some of the ways that we describe each other when we are trying to make sure that others appreciate us.
Here's the weird thing I've noticed. There are wired moms, like you and me and most other bloggers. Mid-thirties, couple of kids or so, careers halted or still going. But, within our same generation, there are also those mothers that are technologically challenged. My SIL, only 3 yrs older than me, stopped teaching to have kids 11 years ago and until a year ago, barely knew how to get email, much less read blogs. She had to get familiar with it last year only because her kid's homework assignments became accessible online. It would never dawn on her to turn to the internet for mom social interaction. So there is still that group of women in our generation who are like our own mothers, but trying to reach them via blogs and online PR is rather silly, I think.
Coming out of the PR world,I figure this letter is probably a very low tier assignment giving to the, how did you refer to them? Very Young and Fashionable Single Girl? And I can tell you, that many of them look at people with children as alien species. Give them a few years, a husband and a baby and they'll realize how wrong they were.
Bravo! So well said.
I may now be in love with you, dude.
Seriously. I feel you.
Great post. And I agree with April, also. Thanks.
I took up this very same conversation with a young PR Thing when she was pitching me laundry detergent that "saves time for mommies".
When I pointed out that neither my reproductive status nor my gender had much to do with doing laundry, and that it is best to stay away from addressing ANYONE in the diminutive ("Mommie"), she had no clue what I was talking about.
They are pitching an imaginary composite "Mommie" made from some mysterious research data mixed in with too much television when all they really need to do is approach me as someone who wears clothes that need washing.
I agree wholeheartedly with April's comment!
I remember three years ago, a rep from Johnson and Johnson asked Tara Hunt at a SXSW panel about how to "start their own community."
The advice given to her was to go to an existing community and support that with advertising dollars and experts.
Sounds like J&J should have taken the original advice.
As I'm becoming "just a mom" in a few short months, I am devouring posts like yours. Thanks for your frankness!
On career day in the second grade I went to school as a homemaker. I was just about laughed out of the building.
Even I am bothered by the perception that I am a Mommy and nothing more.
I think this is easy: You are what you are. And as long as YOU know it, no problemo.
Amen sister!!!
As a published graduate of one of the best clinical programs in the state/clinical physiologist who had her own practice/now part time college professor/turned stay at home mom, I hate it when people assume things they don't know about people they don't know.
Ugh. I don't blog, but the "you and your other "Mommies" made me cringe. "Mommies"? How about "Parents"?
I would argue that this harkens to the larger issue of gender stereotyping... Many people still have trouble thinking of women as intellectuals and professionals. Dr. Bernice Sandler ("Godmother of Title IX") notes that she often is stripped of her title (Dr.) when introduced in public or even to fellow professionals. I think this type of thing is definitely amplfied for mothers.
Very well said!
I wholeheartedly agree - except for this: we are a wide spectrum. There are as many different types of mothers as there are women, so fromt heir perspective, as far as I can imagine it, the mothering business is the only part we all have in common. Still, no matter what "type" of woman, we all hate being condescended to, so tehy still have some work to do.
Do not hold your breath.... I've been with you on this for years.... It has never been possible for me to stay home and be June Cleaver.
I get what Jenny is saying on the weird gap of wired and non-wired. My sister is 41; I'm knocking on 40. We are both professionals. She has no freaking clue. Funny that she is the one with the baby and I'm the one with tweens. Maybe she will catch up as her baby blooms? As for the advertisers.... they are still selling a dream and a fantasy that does not exist.
HELLS YEAH!
Loved your post!
I think it is hard enough when you put your career on hold to redefine yourself "other then mom" once you have kids. You don't need people reminding you! Nobody talks about how --throughout life you have to "find yourself" over and over and over.
Sometimes when in the company of other moms I am bored to tears after talking baby crap for hours on end,....I am thankful when someone comes along in life and we actually have something else to talk about other then our kids!
I do have a life other then my child--some don't seem to think so though!
Lindsay, they're not trying to figure out who you are. They're using polling data, focus groups, surveys, crystal balls, fortune cookies, weekend psychics and chats with their neighborhood restaurant pharmacists (aka, bartenders) to figure out how to pitch crap to you, that the lowest common denominators will flock to.
Your astute intellect is the least of their concerns; in fact, they'd rather you didn't have one, as it (in their minds) makes their job easier.
Pound on 'em, Lindsay!
Far too many politicians use the same play book. I think the two may have interchangeable parts, or are at least made for each other out of spare parts...
That was rather brilliant. Thank you. I hope someone in marketing gets the message!
Brava! Once again, well said. I do agree with kittenpie though that there are many different types of "mommies". The other day, when signing my tax returns, "Housewife" was listed next to my name. For an ex career woman, it did hurt to see the that term. Not because I don't like being one but because it has such a 1950's apron wearing connotation - like the one your PR person was envisioning.
I don't compare stains. I just retoss the stuff into the washer over and over again until it falls apart or the dratted stain comes out. I don't have time to do anything else (and barely that!). Marketers haven't got a clue about moms (or dads).
That said, I have great admiration for "just moms." I tried to be one and failed miserably. I'm only happy and effective when I'm working hard at something I love. Those who can be stay-at-home moms have my deepest admiration (and a strong sense of perplexity!)
Lindsey Ferrier,
Taking "Mommy" back for the mommies.
Niether am I married nor do I have kids, but I toatally agree with April.
Well stated...Rock on!!!!
What irritates me even more is that those commercials only serve to perpetuate the idea that Dads have NOTHING to do with household chores. Guess who sees those ideas and images? Our kids. You know, the ones who are going to grow up and change the world? If we want those stupid stereotypes to go away, we need to quit reinforcing them.
I feel like I'm constantly following behind and sweeping up the trail of BS the media leaves behind so my kids don't step in it.
So yeah, I agree with you.
Mommy...That's our word, man! Our word!
Seriously, though, well put!
You can't see this 'cuz I'm on the other side of the computer, but I'm totally giving you a standing ovation right now.
BRAVO!
It goes back to the fact that they're not doing their homework and instead relying on (faulty) assumptions.
Great post. And great comment April.
By the by, April: I am the blogger quoted in this post regarding the J&J situation, and I AM a stay-at-home mom.
I work part time as a writer, but I do spend most of my time mothering my son and keeping house. And in fact, I've been doing it for years now: my son is almost four.
So trust me, I do not consider SAHMs somehow inferior because they are "just moms." I just don't like being talked down to, in general, and I don't like to see other moms talked down to, either, whether they work outside the home OR stay home OR both.
Thanks for linking to me, Lindsay (or to Susan's quote of me).
I think that generation of moms you are talking about actually never existed EXCEPT in marketers' heads. I mean, seriously, now. My mother was a college professor and a social worker. And her mother worked in a chemistry lab. And my great-grandmother was a SAHM, but worked from home full time selling her champion quilts. And my husband's grandmother grew up on a farm and quit high school in the ninth grade, but she reads a book a week and knows more about world politics than I do. And . . . mothers throughout history have pretty much been way, way smarter than people in general are willing to give them credit for.
Not only is that kind of marketing condescending to moms, it completely ignores dads. In my house, I'm the working parent and my husband stays homw with our daughter. He, God bless him, is the one who cooks our meals, does our laundry, and surfs online for good baby deals. And yet I can't tell you how many times he's received mail where we was addressed as a mom. Talk about insulting!
"Having children has only increased my compassion and my capacity to love- It didn't turn me into a Lysol-obsessed nincompoop"
Motherhood did turn me into a Lysol-obsessed nincompoop. It turned me into a lot of things that revolve around the home that I never thought of before. Also, I don't sleep anymore; therefore, nincompoop. I've turned in symphony tickets for zoo tickets as well. Why, because I have two sets of twins under three-years-old.
I also have three college degrees, a full time job, and stack of books I read in my own time. But I'm concerned that I must be incensed by a marketer that targets a facet of my existence that involves housecleaning. Why wouldn’t I want to buy the best product for cleaning my home? And, why wouldn’t the person making the commercial for that product set the commercial in the home? I think this is a non-issue.
Jaelithe, please don't think that I think you imagine SAHM's to be inferior somehow. If I wasn't clear on that in my comment, then I apologize.
Also, I certainly would have been angered by what happened to you, too.
Really, I wasn't even talking about some SAHM v. WOHM debate. I was really just voicing my frustration over something that I have seen many women, including myself, do. The term "just a mom" can be incredibly condescending, in different ways. I should know, as I have used it and had it used on me. As you implied in your comment, there is no such thing as "just a mom". I just sometimes get frustrated when in attempting to clear that misconception up, the only other thing that can be thought of is a degree, career, or previous career. Obviously, I don't think you think that, and this is really directed at the general public. There are many aspects to every person.
And now I feel like I'm turning this into an after school special.
EXACTLY!
Every time someone asks me what I do (and they always ask) and I tell them that I'm a mom they either brush me off with, "oh that's nice," in a vague distracted way that lets me know they've instantly lost all interest in me. Or, even worse, they try to make me feel better by saying, "There's nothing wrong with that!" or "Good for you!" (I'm surprised they don't pat me on the head).
It drives me crazy. They're treating me like I'm not a fully functioning adult person with a life outside of potty training and baby talk.
It's the same sentiment as the PR people calling us "Mommies". Dude, that's MR. MOMMY to you.
honestly!
Oh no prob, April-- I thought your comment was great, and I'm glad you brought it up! It's just that your comment made me think-- Maybe I should have been a bit more careful in my wording in that post. I was just trying to convey my incredulity in that particular moment at the irony of someone telling a bunch of nurses and scientists that they were about to get a basic science lesson (especially since the presentation was pretty, ahem, content-lite). But I certainly didn't mean to imply that us moms who aren't in those professions wouldn't ALSO appreciate being treated like we have more than two brain cells to rub together.
Cuz I have like, 100 billion brain cells. (I remember that from 9th grade biology class. Which is proof that my brain cells still work.)
Sorry I couldn't address April's comment earlier, since so many people are referencing it. I think I've made it pretty clear on this blog that I think women should be free to pursue "SAHMdom" as a career, as well as a career outside the home. That, to me, is true feminism- women supporting other women's choices, as long as that woman is clearly trying to make the best decisions she can for herself and her family.
That is another post, though. My point is that advertisers and especially 80% of the PR e-mails I get (and I receive dozens a day) seem to be addressed to this goofy, uninformed "mommy," who's never been out in the real world. The moms I happen to know are pretty much all college-educated. The moms I know had careers- and many still have them. I'm sure there are moms that fall outside this spectrum who are just as important and smart and wonderful, but I personally am tired of being treated as if all of us (whether college-educated or not, career women or not) just fell off the turnip truck. It's distasteful. And it really does impact how we're treated by society at large, which is why this IS an issue, Stuber. But I will be sure and forward all my mommy mail to you. ;)
You absolutely have always made that clear, Lindsay. No question.
I have to agree with OldHorseTailSnake. Perfectly stated.
I see and also agree Lindsay with everything you mentioned but have sort of gotten to the point where I have just removed myself from any possibility of being deemed just a "mommy". I had my first child at the age of 22 - a young, single college student. Finished school. Got married three years later. Had another baby. Never once did I ever succumb to feeling like it was my duty to just be a "mommy" - even though I know we all feel that pressure from society. And never once did I give two nods to what people might think I could, should or could not be defined as. I just kept living MY life - not my children's lives, not my husband's life.. Mine. And refused to be put into some weird box that was easy for other's to figure out and be comfortable with.
I can't fight the battle of marketing and pr polls and media. It has no bearing on the path I am taking.
"You are what you are. And as long as you know it - no problemo". Well stated from a man who's been around awhile!
It's irritating, I agree. But if you are living your life in a way that is un-challengable, should it really matter? Hopefully, my daughter will see how to be a good, smart, independent woman from me. Not from a Johnson and Johnson marketing specialist.
That came off as a way more pious than I meant for it to be. Apologies.
What I meant to say, rather than the fact that I don't feel like I fall into any particular category or simplified "identity" was that it doesn't matter in the least how you feel people can define you, what matters is how you define you. And no amount of marketing changes that. It's a pity yes, that media doesn't "get" mothers today. But that's about it. A pity. We just have to keep our heads down and keep doing what we are all doing so well. Our daughters will know better. No question in my mind.
Exactly why I say this is a non-issue. Marketing specialists have their jobs; I have my job; you have your job. And all of these jobs are different and unique and valuable. What would you have the marketing specialist do to reach a wide audience that doesn't patronize someone? Why would I take the time to be offended if they miss the mark on my particular life? If I did take the time to be offended, I don't buy their products and move on.
I must say I was hurt by the tone of your post. I am not college educated, I have never had a career outside of my home, but I too deserve respect and to be treated like an adult with something to contribute to the world.
Mom24. I think that was exactly Lindsay's point.
All mom's no matter how they choose to balance things, deserve respect for the people they are. Hell. All people deserve that. And whether or not I think it's important or not that marketing and media is tuned in to what I am about as a person/mother, I do see that Lindsay is frustrated by the same reasons you are saying you are hurt.
I can totally understand why that's annoying, even though I'm not a mom. I've always thought the term "mommy" sounds pretty stupid except coming from young children. (And a big pet peeve of mine is grown women who still call their fathers "Daddy").
But, just a few posts down you describe yourself as a "mommyblogger". Doesn't using that term perpetuate PR people thinking of you that way? Or does the spelling make a difference...is mommie more condescending than mommy? (I actually thought Mommy was the more normal spelling).
"mommyblog" is a term I use a bit mockingly. It was created as a condescending term a few years ago by non-moms, but I think we've taken it and made it our own.
I still call my daddy "daddy".
Oops. Well....I forgive you. Exceptions can always be made if you're otherwise cool in every way. : )
Sing it, Sister! I could not agree with you more.
My favorite example of this is the commercial for Carnation Formula. The mother, dressed immaculately in a cream colored sweater, settles in to relax, read and nap, in her cream colored chaise in her cream colored sun room while her baby happily naps in its crib. AAARRRGGHHH!
Every time I see that commercial I want to put a brick through some ad exec's head. And I used to work in advertising so I do not hate or mistrust ad exec's on principle. Although, perhaps I know enough that I should.
At any rate, you're absolutely correct that they don't know to whom they are marketing and perhaps never will. Although, don't you think that most of those producing advertising now are our peers and have partners who stay at home or whose mothers worked outside the home?
That's a good point- but if they're anything like news people, they think they're very different from "middle class America" anyway, so they're not really marketing to themselves. That's my suspicion.
Great Post! Thank you for saying it.
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