"Christian"

I wrote Monday about the spiritual epiphany I've had during the last year or so. (And by the way, your comments have been stunning and tear-inducing and WOW. If you haven't read them, go do it.) I told you about my decision to not let other people's uninformed and unsolicited opinions about my life hold me back from trying to figure out what God wants from me, and how God wants me to live.

It isn't that I think my shortcomings and sins are okay. I don't. It's that I began to question my motivation for fixing them. Was I truly trying to eliminate them because of my faith, or was I trying to cover them up because I wanted other people to think I had faith? The distinction is important.

I've felt good about my decision to pursue an authentic relationship with God. I feel like I'm finally headed in the right direction. I've begun attending a church that gives me great food for thought and I've made Christian friends over the last few years whose lives I admire, who admit their mistakes, and who don't come across as judgmental. And I've really been feeling like God has been letting me know I'm on the right track. There have been several amazing coincidences... meeting Angie was one of them.

I found Angie's blog a few months ago, after she won Divine Caroline's Love This Site Awards in the parenting division. I had never heard of her, but I quickly realized after reading some of her blog that she lived nearby. A few weeks later, she walked in the door at Starbucks while I was there writing. I recognized her instantly.

Before I left, I introduced myself to her, since my blog had been chosen as the other parenting winner on Divine Caroline, and it was so unlikely that we not only lived in the same city, but also were at the same Starbucks. But I didn't expect her to like me very much. She's the wife of a Christian singer and has a very, very Christ-centered blog. I... don't.

Although her blog is totally different from mine, I continued reading it after we met. I was completely drawn in. No matter what your faith, it's undeniable that Angie is an amazing writer and an amazing person. Not only did she make a radical decision when faced with tragedy, she opted to share it with the world, opening herself to some harsh criticism in the process. I admire her so much for not being afraid to simply be who she is.

I thought she'd be perfect for an upcoming Backtalk episode, and invited her over to do an interview. I promised it wouldn't take longer than 15 minutes. Angie ended up staying for more than two hours. We could not stop talking. She was smart and thoughtful and outgoing and interesting. And I am sure that anyone would say the same upon meeting her, regardless of his or her beliefs.

A few days later, Angie wrote on her blog about meeting me. I have to admit, I cringed when I saw it. Many of Angie's readers seemed exactly like the cute and sunny "sorority" of Christian women whose judgment I feared. To their credit, the vast majority of them were excited we had met, and were more than kind. Some of them even said they already read my blog.

But there were a few who weren't at all happy that Angie had linked to me. They were bothered by the profanity on my blog. One mentioned my "immodest picture." And there was more:

"Whatever happened to not condoning things like that? I'm not trying to be ugly at all, but I just thought someone kinda needed to speak out in respect of the Lord and what it means to be Christ-like. I don't really think looking and talking like that is it."

I tried not to let that bother me, but it did. But this comment bothered me even more:

"Because it's been mentioned, I also want to comment on ST's use of profanity. I do really enjoy her blog, but I haven't added her to my blogroll because of her "word choices". Not that she'd care, she has enough readers w/o my recommendation. I just tried to ignore the profanity until she wrote that she was a "Christian". I've never looked at her blog the same way since. This is not to pick on Lindsay, I think she's really sweet and talented. But I do think we have a responsibility as Christian bloggers. We need to represent Christ."

Don't think the word Christian put in italics was lost on me.

Ouch.

Part of what disturbed me about these comments was that these women were right; Sometimes, I'm hardly a "model of Christ." As I said in the last post, I have written things in the past that I'm not very proud of today. I don't think they were horrible, but I do think I'm at least a little bit wiser now and I might have made different choices.

But that second commenter I mentioned wasn't done. Today, she read my Monday post on religion and left another comment here, saying that she actually cried when she read the post I wrote a few months ago, revealing I was a Christian.

Cried. And they weren't tears of joy, either.

Now, right away, I don't want anyone reading this post to attack these commenters for their words. I really mean that. I will delete comments that are mean spirited (although judging from the way you've all been so far, I sort of doubt that will happen).

But I had to include them in this post because I don't think these women realize that their words are exactly the kind of thing that hold people like me back from even attempting to follow God or attend church. I read these kinds of comments on Angie's post and I immediately felt bad for being her friend. I didn't want people to think badly of her for "associating" with me. I wondered if she would read those comments and decide it would be best to keep her distance. I wouldn't have blamed her. And it made me feel so very lonely.

At the same time, I have taken a couple of weeks to think about it and I still think I'm doing the right thing by being honest with you. It would be inauthentic of me to act like I'm not struggling with what's right and wrong right now. It also would be inauthentic for me to start spouting scripture and writing long prayers on my blog (although I know me some scripture, y'all. Thanks to a lifetime of Sunday school, youth group, and Bible classes, I know me some scripture.).

My question to these women who judged me is, first of all, who are you to say that Angie can't be a positive influence on me? One that perhaps I could really use right now?

Secondly, isn't there a pretty good possibility that someone who would never read Angie's blog might just read mine, see themselves in what I'm going through, go to church for the first time in years, and have a positive, life changing experience?

If you believe that God has a plan for each of us (and I know that these particular commenters do), how could you possibly know what He has in store for me? Or the mysterious ways He could use my life, complete with all its imperfections, to convince others that maybe they could give this God thing a try, too? Couldn't the fact that I truly am interested in learning about others' beliefs (or non-belief) and not interested in arguing about it make dialogue possible here that wouldn't be possible on a more "model of Christ"-like blog?

That said, why on earth would you say things to hold me, or anyone else, back? The Bible is filled with people who made mistakes, BIG mistakes, even after they became believers. Their stories inspire us and give us hope. How would my pretending to be a model of Christ every single day on this blog do anyone any good? They'd see right through it.

Still, it's disappointing that I made someone cry by calling myself a Christian.

Because looking back, I like to think God raised His fist in the air when I did that and was all, "Yeah! Finally! It's out there! Now let's see what I can do here!"

I'm a work in progress.

And that's all I have to say about that.

For now, anyway.