In Defense of the Work-at-Home-Mom

Have you noticed? The work-at-home-mom is under attack.

Oh, I've gotten the comments from time to time from a few angry WOHMs (that's work-OUTSIDE-the-home-moms, for the uninitiated), who bitterly jab their fingers at me and tell me I have no right to call what I do, 'work.'

"The stuff you write couldn't take more than a few minutes," one declared.

"If you're so busy, how do you have time to take your kids to the park and the zoo all the time?" another wanted to know.

"I wish I could do my 'work' at Starbucks, too," a third snickered.

Honestly, I passed these comments off as women who hated their jobs, and were looking for someone to blame. They were venting their frustrations on me only because I represented something they wanted and didn't have.

But then I read Samantha's post on the Internet and all the supportive comments that followed it, and I realized that the image of WAHMs as whiners who don't do real work is more widespread than I had realized.

Samantha wants everyone to know that "working from home is not even in the same realm as being a Working Mother." She calls what WAHMs do, "fluff," and accuses us of "escaping" to Starbucks to work on our Macbooks.

She says that our effort to balance work and family is "a f#!@in joke."

And dozens of women agree with her.

I'll be honest. This post stung. Particularly since it came not from an anonymous commenter, but from a respected blogger in the online community.

I get her overall purpose in writing the post, and agree that the Momversation webisode on working moms should have included the perspective of a WOHM. Who could argue with that?

But I don't get all this animosity toward mothers who work from home. I don't think for a moment that my job is harder than that of the average WOHM, but I certainly wouldn't call it easier, either.

For one thing, I think it's fair to say I have not one, but two full-time jobs. One involves meeting all of my writing deadlines and running three blogs, the other consists of teaching and caring for two small children, 24-7. Cooking and cleaning for six is basically another part-time job on top of that.

Essentially, I have no free time. No vacation time. No days off. I am always working on something, and I am always behind. Much like a WOHM, I'd imagine.

I would compare how I generally feel to someone who's been dog paddling for hours, someone who is just barely keeping her face above the surface of the water. And too often, I feel like I'm going under. Sound familiar, Samantha?

What keeps me going, though, is that I genuinely love my jobs. I love spending time with my children. I love writing, and all that comes with it. I love having a family. I also love having a little more financial security. I love lessening the stress on my husband, who keeps track of our finances. I've seen a huge change in him since I started making a significant income again, and it has made a difference in our relationship. I feel lucky, so lucky that I actually love what I do for a living.

But I also think back often to the time before I had so much work, the time when it wasn't a struggle to homeschool my preschool daughter, the time when we spent all day doing arts and crafts and reading books and baking and exploring. Now, those things are wedged into my work day wherever I can fit them in. They aren't happening as often as I'd like. I feel tremendous amounts of guilt about this, and am constantly worrying over whether they're getting the quality of childcare that they deserve.

That said, I have to laugh when the occasional bitter reader acts like the fact that I take my kids to story time or the park means I've obviously got too much time on my hands. Kids in preschool and daycare programs do special things, too, don't they? They put on plays. They go on field trips. They have theme days. If activities weren't planned for them, who would want to leave their child there?

How is my job as my children's childcare provider any different?

I also have to laugh about the snarky Starbucks comments. Yes, Starbucks is essentially my office. I write there between eight and ten hours a week. I get quite a bit of work done in relative peace and quiet. I'm not quite sure where else I could go and have a wireless Internet connection and a staff that doesn't mind me sitting there for three or four hours at a time.

How is going to Starbucks any different from another mom going to her cubicle or office each day? How would it make Samantha feel if I accused her of "escaping" to her office when she leaves her children each morning? Not good, I'd imagine.

Samantha believes that WAHMs don't argue with their husbands about childcare issues, or risk losing their jobs when they have to leave work for a sick child. But I'd say that if other WAHMs are anything like me, there have been more than a few, um, 'heated discussions' about childcare.

Husbands to WAHMs generally end up taking care of the kids alone far more, I'm guessing, than husbands of WOHMs, because WAHMs are constantly trying to fit their work in wherever they can. In my house, that means that my husband picks up between two and four hours of watching them alone a week on evenings and weekends, so that I can get my work done. Often, the last thing he wants to do when he gets home from work or has a day off is take care of the kids all by himself. He has a very stressful job and deserves a break. But he takes on the extra work because it's financially good for our family.

As for sick children, the issues are the same. Most WAHMs have deadlines. If I have a sick child or a traumatic family issue, there's a very real chance that my deadlines won't be met, and I risk losing that job for not meeting them, just as Samantha might lose her job if she leaves work.

When I think about it, making these broad generalizations about SAHMs and WAHMs and WOHMs is ridiculous. (And yes, I say that now, even having written these posts two years ago. I am older now. And wiser. And I have a few more of those damned crows feet.) There are so many variables. Do you hate what you do? Are you a single mom? Are you in debt? Does your husband abuse you? Then you're going to have a harder time doing your work, no matter what you're doing or where you go to do it.

Are you financially secure? Do you have grandparents helping with the kids? Do you love your job? Do you work part-time hours? Do you have a great, compassionate boss? Then you might have an easier time doing your work, no matter what you're doing or where you go to do it.

Samantha says she knows being a WOHM is harder, because she has been a WAHM, too. But maybe her variables were different from mine.

So let's lay off each other for a little while, shall we?

Or at the very least, might I ask that you refrain from calling what I do a "f$!*in' joke?"

Because that's just asking for a throwdown.