Comments on Suburban Turmoil: More from the SAHMdom

Most women in the world do not have the time to ev...

2007-06-22T17:52:00.000-05:00

Most women in the world do not have the time to even think about staying at home and "not working", and most don't have the time or the technology to sit around arguing about it on the blogs.

I think the reason you aren't hearing more from us...

2007-06-21T11:37:00.000-05:00

I think the reason you aren't hearing more from us WOHs is because we don't want to make a judgement on how comfortable a shoe fits when we don't wear them - at least I won't.

If you feel crappy, you only have yourself to blam...

2007-06-19T15:00:00.000-05:00

If you feel crappy, you only have yourself to blame. A lot of SAHMs agree with me. A lot don't. Disagree with me if you'd like, but don't tell me what I should and shouldn't say on my own blog.

It's disappointing to see you add to the mommy war...

2007-06-19T14:21:00.000-05:00

It's disappointing to see you add to the mommy wars. I'm not suggesting we all have to be high-fiving each other in support of motherhood but you have made a sweeping generalisation about SAHMs. Just because you are one doesn't mean it is okay to belittle other mothers' experience of it. That just makes those who struggle with it feel crappy.

I agree with you. The hardest part to me (SAHM = 1...

2007-06-19T06:28:00.000-05:00

I agree with you. The hardest part to me (SAHM = 18 years!) was when it was BORING. And, there was a lot of times it was boring. I wouldn't do it any different if I could but there were many days I wanted a different career. Something with travel involved, great clothes and no spit up on my shoulder.

I love this discussion. I've even started a post i...

2007-06-18T23:07:00.000-05:00

I love this discussion. I've even started a post in my head about it. We'll see if it gets any farther than that.

I've been a SAHM, a WAHM and a WOHM. For me, at least some working is easier. But I agree that it depends on the mom, the kids and the job.

I really envy those moms who love SAHMdom. Some of them do it very, very, well and most of them have very different temperaments from me.

Is there a difference between complaining and venting?

Because without the venting we risk losing ouselves at the altar of the self-sacrificing mother where we're all supposed to be delighted to be wiping butts and reading the same story over and over and over again until we are ready to scream. And without the venting we all worry that we're horrible mothers or that there's something seriously wrong with us, because everyone around us is just delighted, because no one's allowed to admit that it's not all sweetness and light.

Do we really want to go back to that?

I don't think that venting is necessarily focusing on the negative. It is blowing off steam so you can move on. Humor helps, absolutely, but a spouse who shares the "second shift" with you helps more.

I appreciate when a blogger shares her frustrations, and admit that SAHM life isn't perfect, because the mothers I know in real life are way too afraid to admit that, maybe even to themselves.

I've been a SAHM for 21 years. I have an 18 and 2...

2007-06-18T14:47:00.000-05:00

I've been a SAHM for 21 years. I have an 18 and 21 year old. When they were little it was a lot more "fun". There were of course times when I was exhausted from lack of sleep and trying to keep them entertained without destroying our house but they were sweet and fun to be around. I chose to stay home because no.l, I didn't want to have to worry about whether or not my child would be "safe" in another persons care, and no. 2, my income wasn't substantial enough for me to go to work, pay daycare, and then still be responsible for all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, etc... I wouldn't say that staying at home with my kids when they were young was hard, tiring at times, but not that difficult. When they became teenagers it became a different story. My kids expected me to be their personal servant because I was at home, that was after all (in their eyes) my job. I spend more time now, cooking, doing laundry, shopping, and cleaning up after my kids than I did when they were little. When they were young, I decided what they ate, wore, spent money on, etc. Money ends up being another issue when you are at home, I can't win - I'm blasted for being lazy, because in my kids eyes, if I worked, we could all have nicer things. There is no appreciation from my kids for what I contribute, only complaints for what I don't do or what they don't have. Frankly, I'll be glad when they are both gone at college, I can go back to work (and make some money to fix my falling apart house), and spend time alone with my husband and dog.

Disgruntled Mother of Teenager and Young Adult

I tried to be a stay-at-home mom once and it was t...

2007-06-18T11:59:00.000-05:00

I tried to be a stay-at-home mom once and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. Then I gave up and became a stay-at-home dad instead, which is so much easier.

Parenting is just hard--for different reasons, at ...

2007-06-17T23:51:00.000-05:00

Parenting is just hard--for different reasons, at any age. As a teacher, I have the best of both worlds. I'm a working mom for most of the year, and then essentially a SAHM for the summer. Since my husband is self-employed, it was never a choice for me not to work; we needed the benefits and security of my job. That said, I liked having my girls see me work, and now at almost 21 and 17, they know that they need to be independent and not depend on anyone to make a living for them.

Lindsay,I enjoyed this post and actually responded...

2007-06-17T13:41:00.000-05:00

Lindsay,

I enjoyed this post and actually responded to it over at my blog (http://www.cookienotes.blogspot.com)

While parenting a special needs kid can be hard, you can't let it swallow you. You have to look at the positive. :) And the funny. Because there IS a lot of that.

It's just a bit different.

I don't need to write "for me" because this is my ...

2007-06-17T12:42:00.000-05:00

I don't need to write "for me" because this is my blog. If I wrote "for me" after every sentence, that would be ridiculous. Even "I think" is redundant.

Also, I don't think being a SAHM is not that hard "for me" alone. I think that SAHMs are very fortunate and do have more time in general to get more things accomplished for their families than parents who work outside the home. I think most SAHMs are fortunate to live in climate controlled houses with dishwashers and washing machines. I think that most SAHMs are reasonably able to set their own schedules. I think that being a SAHM is not "the hardest job in the world," as Oprah claims, although it's certainly far from the easiest job, either. There are SAHMs in extraordinary circumstances, of course, who have it incredibly rough. But that's true of some people in any job. So when a commenter wrote in the last post that being a SAHM is hard because she has a low energy level, I'd say that in that case, any job would be hard, not just being a SAHM.

Once upon a time, SAHMs were totally unappreciated and treated like spoiled kept women. Now, it seems we've gone to the other extreme, so that it's unacceptable for me to suggest that being a SAHM is not as hard as it is lately being portrayed to be. I'm not saying it's easy. But it's not coal mining, either, as one commenter joked over at nashvilleistalking.com. It's not chasing down chickens in a 100-degree poultry barn and stuffing them into sacks with your bare hands, as one of my friends had to do to help pay for college.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder how many people on this earth would look at me and all the complaining I personally do here in my air conditioned home with its filled pantry and closets stuffed with clothes and jacuzzi bathtub- and say I must be the most selfish, self-absorbed bitch ever. And then I try to change my attitude and work on my navel gazing. And I'm usually unsuccessful. But I think it would benefit all of us to think from time to time about what we have and how "hard" our lives REALLY are, and whether our complaints are merited.

And yet, would I even have a blog if I didn't complain A LOT? Probably not!

Hear, hear! for Stephanie T: "I think what ruffle...

2007-06-17T10:32:00.000-05:00

Hear, hear! for Stephanie T: "I think what ruffled some feathers was that you seemed to be making a blanket statement about all SAHM's. If you had just said you personally don't find being a SAHM hard and left off the part about...
"

And for b.e.c.k. "I think the problem occurs when you leave off the words "for me." Being a SAHM isn't hard *for you* -- it may be hard for someone else. I find that people take offense when someone presumes to speak for them, or appears to belittle someone else's experience. "

I think that really sums it up -- this post ISN'T a mommy war in miniature -- it is people feeling irritated that Lindsay paints them as complainers and generalizes from her own positive experience that "the" job of SAHM isn't really all that hard.

This debate interestingly makes clear that an important factor in discussing the SAHM phenomenon is that there is no such thing as "the" SAHM job -- there is no single job description for it written down anywhere, and the wide variety of experiences shared here show that for some it is extremely challenging, and for others, not so much.

What is sparking the level of anger here is, I agree, that Lindsay appears/appeared to be making a universal judgement of others based on her own experience, and that has upset people. It upset me into writing in the earlier thread and I never comment on blogs.

As I said in my earlier "anonymous" post, I think that Lindsay's real point boils down to "Look on the bright side of your job, SAHMS!" Which is great. But that shouldn't extend to saying, "Don't complain SAHMS! I'm happy, so you should be, too!"

Thank you for sharing how you changed your writing...

2007-06-16T20:35:00.000-05:00

Thank you for sharing how you changed your writing which in turn changed your outlook. I needed to hear that and I just wanted you to know I appreciate you and this blog.

Working mom weighing in here. For me, being a SAHM...

2007-06-15T19:09:00.000-05:00

Working mom weighing in here. For me, being a SAHM was very hard. I tried it and failed miserably. Looking back, perhaps I didn't give it enough time - but I chose to go back to work. Yes, I chose. I didn't need to, I wanted to. And it's been the best decision for my son and my family. Why? Because I'm a much happier, much more engaged mom!

I'm blessed in that I only work part time (albeit 5 days a week) and I have a boss that allows me to come and go as I please. This means that I don't miss any school activities. And I can leave early to pick up the little guy if I'm missing him terribly. Which definitely happens.

When I was at home, much of my dad was filled with doing housework and errands and incorporating play time throughout the day. Now that I'm working, the time I'm with my son I'm with him 100% .. which means my house is a disaster all of the time, but I'm okay with that.

I take my hat off to SAHMs everywhere. I often wish I had what it takes to do that job. I wish it were easy for me. But I don't and it's not. And I'm okay with that because my son is a very happy, very loved, perfect little man ... just as I'm sure your kids are as well!

The thing is, though, that when you start with abs...

2007-06-15T17:53:00.000-05:00

The thing is, though, that when you start with absolutes such as, "But I feel like we're entering a point in which it's acceptable and expected to complain about being a SAHM all the time," I sort of lose the logic in the argument.

It might be that generally people expect you to be a little self-deprecating. After all, SAHP is a privilege less and less can/will afford these days. (This is also where I think carrien's comment makes a compelling point.) Too much enjoyment might be bragging, rubbing a nose in it. So possibly some degree of complaining is expected.

I just happen to either not notice it too much or am not overwhelmed by it. I think I take a lot of it with a grain of salt.

This is because I think with most people it is usually a good and bad/pro and con mix.

This reminds me of the Internet parade a month or so ago where the originator said something along the lines of: I'm sick and tired of all moms talking so negatively about their parenting skills and I wish moms had something nice to say.

Oy! Lots of moms have lots of nice stories to tell! Let's not ignore those voices.

Now...for the point I could have it far, far worse...

I learned a while back to not compare or measure pain. It's not fair to anyone. In fact, I do my best to not compare because I rarely find that it provokes good.

I think it is arrogant to compare myself positively to another person (person's situation), especially because it is so demeaning to them.

When I compared my two days, I compared my own days with my own kids in my own life. One day was bad, and one was good. This is usually how I talk and blog, too.

I agree: I think my mom gig is the best and most rewarding one ever. I could go to work---I probably should. It would relieve a lot of financial trouble (while brewing up another set of stress, though IMO).

And actually I hear and read a lot of moms who say that this is a great job, and often really poetically.

On the bad days, the complaining days, I don't want to get another job...I want to make this one work. Sometimes fixing where you are is the solution, rather than "take a hike."

Anyway. Sure, most of us complain some of the time. Sure, if someone complains all the time or is truly miserable, maybe she does need some sort of change.

But I wonder if this "everyone" and "all the time" is more of an amalgam---where you happen to read one thing about ten people and it all happens to be negative...rather than ten things by one person that all are negative. KWIM?

And if it's TV and magazines?

FUHGETTABOUTIT!

No joke, the mom could have said 27 nice things about how much she loves it and they'll edit that out and focus on the one bad thing she said. They're like vultures, focusing and twisting to the negative. But I won't rant about slanted editing and piss poor journalism these days. ;)

So consider the source.

Maybe the next question---if it really isn't your IRL friends griping all the live long day---is why the media image of motherhood (why the quotes quoted and bits edited to show) needs to be so focused on the trial and tribulation aspect.

Now I'm thinking of the playdate with booze scandal. ;)

I have five kids, from a 15 year old to a 3 month ...

2007-06-15T17:20:00.000-05:00

I have five kids, from a 15 year old to a 3 month old. I don't think teenagers are easier than babies. I think they are just as demanding but in totally different ways.

My 3 month old, Charlie, needs me all. the. time. My husband and I have only gone on 3 dates since he was born. I love Charlie, and I love this stage, but it is exhausting.

My eldest needs me in other ways. She doesn't need the constant attention and care. She doesn't completely depend on me for food or comfort. I don't have to give 100% of myself to her 100% of the time.

So I don't think anyone's saying teenagers are easier to raise. I just think babies are harder in different ways.

I don't exactly think that it's fair to say that being an SAHM is easy.

There was a time after my second child was born, when my husband was still an intern and our basement was flooded and I was suffering from what I know realize was postpartnum depression. Then I was ashamed of myself, because no one else was having the problems I was having. I remember one night when both the baby and his older sister were suffering from the flu, vomiting all over the place, and I was sick and tired and I remember all I wanted to do was leave them in safe, loving hands and go crawl into a hole somewhere and not come out for a long time. Their pain and my pain was too much. What did I do? Nothing. I was too mad at myself for not being able to cope like everybody else could.

I felt like a failure.

I think it's important to aknowledge that it can be a really hard job. Even when your kids are grown up and on their own, the responsibility of loving them can weigh you down.

Being a mother can be hard. But it can also be easy, and it can also make me happier than anything else has made me in my life.

Here is my final 2 cents. I've been thinking about...

2007-06-15T15:41:00.000-05:00

Here is my final 2 cents. I've been thinking about this since yesterday. I think the reason SAHMs bristle when someone suggests that the job is not that hard is that we are one of the few groups of people who find our work constantly undone. We work all day, only to have to turn around and do it all again 5 minutes later when the kids are hungry again, the house we so diligently cleaned is a mess again, there are piles of laundry that never end and we too often hear, "What did you do all day it looks like you just sat around?". And because the work that we do is unpaid as well as unappreciated we often feel the disdain of our spouses and peers for being "unproductive". We are often insecure about and uncomfortable with our financial dependence on our partners especially when those partners, often inadvertently, reveal that they consider their jobs to be more valuable and more worthwhile than ours. We are tired of feeling like we are worth less than other people because we don't make money. We're tired of feeling like we need to make money somehow in order to retain our adult validity. I would way rather stay home with my children than have to work out of the home and do this job, I know that it would be way harder even than working from home. I think we get defensive, not because it's the hardest job there is, because it's far from the cakewalk that everyone seems to assume that it is, and we want our contribution to be acknowledged, not belittled.

After reading so many of the comments on this issu...

2007-06-15T15:34:00.000-05:00

After reading so many of the comments on this issue, it occurs to me that there's an implication that if someone says a job is hard, that must somehow also mean it's joyless. But although a job may be difficult, it can also bring great joy. And although SAHMs (for example) may feel the need to vent ("bellyache"), they may also find satisfaction in their choice. Venting and vocational satisfaction aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.

If you've got time to read a blob, write a blob or...

2007-06-15T15:07:00.000-05:00

If you've got time to read a blob, write a blob or comment on a blob and you're at work or at work at home, you aint got it so hard now, do you? ; ) (me included) Peace

I didn't read the comments on your previous post, ...

2007-06-15T15:03:00.000-05:00

I didn't read the comments on your previous post, nor have I read all the comments on this post, so this has probably already been said, but I'll share my two cents anyway. :)

It makes me really sad when moms complain about the neediness of their children, especially small children. I'm not saying I haven't done the same, but it makes me sad when I do it, too! (And just as a disclaimer, I do think there is a difference between sharing real struggles with the goal of being helped and just complaining.) So many people act is if children are an accessory or, worse, a tedious necessity. As difficult as being a SAHM can sometimes be, I try to always keep the perspective that these little people in my care are future spouses, parents, friends, employees/ers, etc. Every day I'm teaching them about their value, their worth, their abilities. To then complain about how hard it is seems almost silly when I look at it that way. Being a CEO is hard. Being a factory worker is hard (and super boring!). Being a nurse is hard. And yet, the internet isn't buzzing with their complaints. My husband works at a company with lots of politics and undercutting. I work with people who think I hung the moon and believe that my kisses work miraculous healings. Hmmm.

There are many days when I'm in tears because I don't think I can do it anymore. I have three kids, ages 6, 3 and 18 months. I have health issues that cause me to be both physically and emotionally exhausted long before the end of the day. And yet, I firmly believe that a bad day at home is still better than a good day anywhere else.

Thanks for writing this.

I definitely don't always feel happy or fulfilled ...

2007-06-15T14:37:00.000-05:00

I definitely don't always feel happy or fulfilled and sometimes I want to tear my hair out, but I see being a SAHM as my full-time job (with plenty of overtime) and honestly, I've never had a job in which I didn't have these feelings from time to time.

As a job, I see this one as being infinitely preferable to so many other full-time jobs out there. And honestly, I can't get past the fact that most of my working mom friends seem to me to have it much harder than I do. They're still doing all the drudge work of laundry, cooking and cleaning, in addition to a 9-5 job and trying to squeeze in quality time with their kids.

You don't have to tell me that it's work and that it can drive you crazy. I know that. I'm just saying most of you could have it far, far worse. I mean, is that not patently obvious?

No one likes someone who complains about his/her job all the time. My thought is always "Well, get another job! Gah!" But I feel like we're entering a point in which it's acceptable and expected to complain about being a SAHM all the time.

Again, this isn't a grand proclamation, just the thoughts that are going through my head right now. I don't really disagree much with anyone who's written, but I think there's a good side of being a SAHM that's starting to be overlooked, that maybe we're all (myself included, honestly) bitching too much.

I was at a SAHM for 5 years, i can say without a d...

2007-06-15T14:28:00.000-05:00

I was at a SAHM for 5 years, i can say without a doubt it was the hardest thing I have ever done. My patience has never been worn as thin or my sense of humor lost quicker than when I stayed home all day every day, doing groundhog day. Same thing EVERY day, all DAY. that being said i am very grateful I was able to be at home with my kids when they were babies. Leaving them in daycare would have broke my heart. Also, being a SAHM made me appreciate working outside the home so much more and I am grateful for that. Staying at home seems like it would be easy as cake and so much less stressful, but for ME it was the opposite. I truly admire SAHM who feel happy and fulfilled being at home. It made me crazy(er). The important thing is for women to support one another no matter our choices, and to realize that works for you may not work for me. Peace.

Well said Julie! You put into words my thoughts ex...

2007-06-15T14:19:00.000-05:00

Well said Julie! You put into words my thoughts exactly.

"Why is it okay to say that being a SAHM is hard, ...

2007-06-15T13:53:00.000-05:00

"Why is it okay to say that being a SAHM is hard, but it's not okay to say it's not that hard?"

If I looked at my husband and said, "Oh come on, your job...it's not THAT hard, so quitcherbitchin," I think he'd get pretty upset with me because when someone is complaining it's because right then in that moment it does feel *that* hard and besides which, it's a pretty harsh criticism plus invalidation.

It's the blanket statement aspect of both sides: the easy and the hard sides.

Today has been a great day: happy kids who are cooperating and we had a fun activity and no fighting and all is golden (so far). Today (so far) has been easy. Enjoyable.

Yesterday had me sounding like a demented fishwife. Yesterday was hard.

If you talked to me today you'd get how much I love my kids and enjoy getting this time with them.

If you'd talked to me yesterday, you'd hear a lot of bellyaching.

Motherhood *is* a *hard* job. So is fatherhood.

However, I don't think you are actually quibbling over the word hard.

I think you are quibbling over the word miserable. And the idea that SAH parenting is so hard all the time that it is a miserable state of being.

Have you ever read Sarah Blaffer Hrdy or someone of that ilk?

When I think of the theses she presents in her books and lectures, I ponder motherhood in a different way.

For too long motherhood was considered the "natural" state of women; we were all supposed to want it above all things, and immediately by nature know how to do it.

It got taken for granted.

Times have changed.

I'm glad people call motherhood hard.

Almost all work is hard in some way. When we recognize the challenge and skill we VALUE it.

Parenthood should be valued very highly, not taken for granted. It's hard, and we do it with a range of emotions and spectrum from easy to hard. As with any job.

The pro to parenthood is a deeper love and amazing cherishment (new word, call Webster's) that you'll never have for any other job.

The good times are great and the challenging times are so hard. And it's hard because we *care* so very, very much.

But it's not MISERABLE.

Yes, it's about perspective. And at some point in the day, even if it is just at bedtime, I try to find it. I often find humor.

But having a positive frame of mind doesn't make every moment hunky dory for me. Sometimes my irritation/annoyance/temper/fatigue/impatience gets the better of me.

I'm glad to hear others feel the same. I'm glad to get it out and fid perspective through support and validation. Even ideas! Or a helping hand.

It just varies so very much by moment, person, situation, etc.

I think this is an swesome discussion to have and am so glad you brought it up. It's been really interesting to see all the POVs and so forth. Thanks!

Wow Lindsay. If you were trying to get your commen...

2007-06-15T13:44:00.000-05:00

Wow Lindsay. If you were trying to get your comment count up, it definitely worked!

Being a mom is a tough job whether you work outside the home or not and I couldn't agree more with your point about how your attitude affects how easy/hard it is. And that is why I have been a faithful reader of your blog since 2005. It's all about your attitude and humor.