Comments on Suburban Turmoil: Don't Shoot Me

It's actually not easy for me, not by a long shot....

2008-03-10T14:11:00.000-05:00

It's actually not easy for me, not by a long shot. But it's also not the hardest job in the world. In fact, I'd say it's one of the best. Most moms would agree with me and with that in mind, perhaps some of us (uh, myself included?) need to stop complaining quite so much... I'm just sayin'.

I agree with another poster who said it depends gr...

2008-03-10T13:32:00.000-05:00

I agree with another poster who said it depends greatly on the child(rens) temperaments. My son is very spirited, to put it nicely. There are days when he has me in tears. No matter what I do, that little fart challenges me. When daddy is home, he's a perfect angel. If a sitter is watching him or even family members, he's a perfect angel. Leave him alone with me, and he's seeing just how far he can push mommy before she breaks. So yes, most days, I'm ready to sit down and cry and long for the days when I worked a 9-5 job.

I'm glad it's easy for you, but you have to remember, that it's not so for everyone.

Nikki, I hope that insulting me in your comment ma...

2008-01-31T10:41:00.000-06:00

Nikki, I hope that insulting me in your comment made you feel better. Cheers!

Why do you feel the need to insult others inorder ...

2008-01-31T10:38:00.000-06:00

Why do you feel the need to insult others inorder to make yourself feel better?

If you like your job (being a SAHM) that's great. If you feel it works for your life and therefor isn't hard for you, even better. That means that for you, you don't find your job that impossible.

But how the hell does your experience in your life with your family and your choices have anything to do with other moms and their choices? How can you look at your own job and profess to tell someone else how hard or easy theirs is? Can't you just be satisified that you've worked out a balance that works for YOU?

I've done both - currently I am the single mother of three pursuing a full time career AND two part time ones. To be truthful, for me, being a SAHM WAS harder because THAT job never ended and was full of stuff that I hated to do (like cleaning toilets and grocery shopping... YUCK!).

For me, I found that in my own life, it was much EASIER for me to hire someone else to clean my house and do my grocery shopping and laundry so that I could go to my regular job and then be home to enjoy my children when I'm not working and they aren't at school (I don't consider quality time with my kids as work).

For me, being home all day to do all the chores WAS hard. Even in comparison to three jobs.

But I would never profess to tell another single mother working three jobs that "it's not that hard!" - her experience is bound to be far different than mine.

As moms, all I see is women tooting their own horns about how great they are and what they do and why it's not that hard and why can't everyone else do what I do.

It's precisely that attitude that prevents women from asking for help and understnading that it's totally normal to sometimes loose your temper, sometimes burn the dinner, sometimes NOT want to drive to 10 practices this week and sometimes feel like locking the baby in the closet (even if you'd never do it).

If we were all a little bit more honest in our frustrations and a little less obsessed with being perfect and better than everyone else, we might find we are all more successful.

I gotr into a discussion with my wife about SAHM/S...

2008-01-01T16:32:00.000-06:00

I gotr into a discussion with my wife about SAHM/SAHD being the hardest jobs. And in fact she indicates that being a SAHM/SAHD is harder than going to any job.I certainly believe that all SAHM/SAHD should get the respect they deserve! I do believe that it is not fair nor is it accurate to indicate that it is the hardest job out there.There are to many entangibles to come up with a fair analysis. In comparison. I have been in the Army for 21 years and spent 12 months in Iraq. I would challenge any stay at home mother to switch places and see which one would be easier. Besides,, when I see a SAHM/SAHDs that have died in the line of duty then I would be more inclined to agree that it is as hard as being a Soldier, or police officer.Once again,, I do believe that it is challenging to some to be a stay at home mom or Dad.

I know I'm coming in way late on this conversation...

2007-11-29T10:52:00.000-06:00

I know I'm coming in way late on this conversation, but my own SAHM experience compelled me to research online to see if others had my experience. For me, it's rather nice -- both my kids are in elementary school now, offering me 6 hours a day, Monday through Friday, of peace, quiet, and solitude. I'm a very "Type B" personality who isn't afraid of being alone for an extended period of time, so that's probably why I enjoy it as it currently is. Back when they were both babies (they're only 20 months apart in age) it was far rougher on me, but now methinks me likes it, LOL! :)

I am a SAHM to a 7,5 and 2 year old. What is "hard...

2007-09-21T13:48:00.000-05:00

I am a SAHM to a 7,5 and 2 year old. What is "hard" for me is the feeling I am a single parent because my husband's job keeps him gone so much. I'm on my own 24/7 for pretty much the entire week and get no breaks. When the weekend rolls around we try and do things as a family but there isn't much time for me to be by myself or relax. When I worked (my girls were younger and I worked until the 2 year old was born), we shared the housecleaning and child care equally at night and on weekends and my husband was not gone. Besides the fact I have 2 kids with medical issues which add to my concern and "workload". Of course, I cannot imagine doing this and working! I would have to hire someone to help me out because my husband is gone and can't. I just need a break now and then....I'm worn out!

I wrote a response to this post on:http://doctorje...

2007-06-27T12:19:00.000-05:00

I wrote a response to this post on:

http://doctorjennyg.blogspot.com/2007/06/i-recently-read-blogsplosion-of.html

I'm a working, SINGLE mom, and SO tired of hearing...

2007-06-24T02:25:00.000-05:00

I'm a working, SINGLE mom, and SO tired of hearing the whining from single moms about how hard that is. It's just life, and sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it isn't. What's important is making a decision to enjoy it.

BTW, I think being a single mom is easier than it was being a married mom. That's a lot of time I'm not spending picking up after/cooking for/trying to please a hubby. ;-) But nobody ever says that.

Agree. I think when people say "hard" they mean bo...

2007-06-24T01:59:00.000-05:00

Agree.

I think when people say "hard" they mean boring, tedious, monotonous, redundant...

It's much harder to raise kids and work at the same time, but I am much happier now that I'm doing that!

Ask me in two weeks. I will officially start my S...

2007-06-24T00:16:00.000-05:00

Ask me in two weeks. I will officially start my SAHMdom.

How can anyone say what is harder or easier for so...

2007-06-22T21:51:00.000-05:00

How can anyone say what is harder or easier for someone else?? Maybe being a SAHM is easy for some people. Maybe working outside the home is easier for others. It depends on the mother, the partner and the child. Not to mention the impact of socio-economic status. The reality is that making a choice between being a working or SAHM is a luxury that most women don't have the privilege of making.

I work, but I work from home. Which means I am pretty much a full-time mom and a full-time employee. I squeeze in work before my daughter wakes up, after she's gone to bed and during naps and random babysitting episodes. My husband is a police officer, which means that sometimes he's home but often he's working unpredictable and very long hours. My daughter has some special needs, which can make spending all day, every day with her exhausting and overwhelming. Would working outside the home be easier? Would being strictly a SAHM be easier? I have no idea. I do what I do because it is the best - and only - choice for our family.

It's more than just a little self-centred to assume that your own experience is indicative of the experiences of all women. True happiness comes from people seeking their own truth and finding their own place in the world. What's "easy" shouldn't really come into it.

You DO know how to start a discussion!

2007-06-22T16:21:00.000-05:00

You DO know how to start a discussion!

Being a SAHM is not harder than anything else, it ...

2007-06-22T14:45:00.000-05:00

Being a SAHM is not harder than anything else, it just depends on who is doing the job and what the factors are. Face it folks, we live in a society where we have overstretched our limits, so no matter what job you have, you are probably stressed out and living beyond your limits. I think that the complaining that SAHMs do is validated just like anyone else in any other job. A lot of people who haven't done it think it must be a cakewalk, but there are bad points to any job, just as there are rewards as well. I think SAHMs just want to be acknowledged as people who do contribute greatly to society and who do work hard, not people who sit on their ass eating bon bons and watching soaps all day. That being said, there are some SAHMs that would like to think their job is harder than anyone else's, when that simply isn't true of ANY job in general, it all depends on who you are and the individual factors. I have done both SAHM and WOHM, and I have to say WOHM is harder for me. I have a job where I work for family so my kids go to work with me. So not only am I worrying about the task at hand at work, I also have to take care of my kids at the same time, which is difficult. I am also in school, all three of my kids are under the age of six, I am pregnant with my fourth and all of my pregnancies are high risk, and my husband has severe medical issues; so basically, I kill myself everyday trying to make it to bedtime. Is it hard? Yes, it is! But, I tend not to complain about it, b/c I have made my choices in life and I am happy with those choices. Just always there is someone out there that has it harder than you. The things that bothers me is, why does it matter if something is hard? It doesn't give it more value. I would much rather my life be simpler than me be killing myself to accomplish all these things sometimes, being hard isn't what makes the things I do valuable to me. As far as people respecting what you do? Who cares? If you enjoy and value what you do it shouldn't matter what other people think. I just think people need to have a little more perspective on things. Yes, you may have it hard, but someone else out there has it worse than you. I would much rather be here working my ass off than in some third world country trying to find some way to keep my kids from starving to death. Vent when you need to, then when you have calmed down count your blessing, b/c in the end that is what important, which I am sure everyone realizes. Have a good day all!

mom in KY

I came to this post a little late, but I really ne...

2007-06-21T19:00:00.000-05:00

I came to this post a little late, but I really need to make a few comments! I am 35 weeks pregnant with my first and getting ready to go on maternity leave. So I may be completely off base and you can take that for what it is - I'm not a parent yet and I could be in for a very nasty surprise. But, I have a great career that I love and can't imagine not working after I have the baby. My plans are to stay at home for three months, and then the baby will (hopefully) be with grandma, if she can sell her house and get moved here in time. Otherwise, I just have to trust our ability to find reliable childcare, and to juggle our work schedules a bit.

First, my observations - I have two SIL's that are SAHM to their 5 children. These are nice people, but they drive me crazy. The children are clingy, needy, whiney and rude - both to their moms and to others. The kids take their moms for granted and just assume that mommy is always available. But I don't blame the kids, I blame the moms - who have set NO BOUNDARIES with them. The moms have overscheduled their kids so that they have enslaved themselves to the endless cycles of running around to soccer games, ballet lessons, etc. I'm not saying that kids shouldn't have outside activities, but really, can't moms set a few limits with these so that they don't doom themselves to constant taxi service? Wouldn't this be a little easier?

My SIL's also don't discipline or really yell, either. Everything is a polite negotiation. Asking a three year old what he wants for dinner is pure madness. You fix dinner and everyone eats it. Period. End of story. Why do we give small children choices that they are unequipped to make? Why don't we discipline them and make sure they know their manners and are able to show respect for themselves and others? Pooping and smearing is not acceptable!

And I don't understand how SAHM can't find reliable childcare for an afternoon or three a week. You ask around. You do some research. You make it happen. Buy (or swap)yourself a little "you time". Turn yourself off from being a mom a few hours a week and go just "BE" somewhere with yourself. Why the guilt and excuses? Just do it. You'll be happier. The job might not seem quite so difficult. You may have some brilliant ideas during this down time that will make your life easier.

Now, for the SIL that had two kids and raised them both as a single working parent - the kids are polite, they know how to do their own laundry, and are just all-around great kids that I truly enjoy being with. They never assume that mom can do it for them. They are self reliant and creative. And as for my SIL, I'm actually able to have an intelligent, coherent conversation with her. The SAHM SIL's - their brains are mush at this point. Their entire being is wrapped up in their kids. Blank stares if you bring up politics or current events or investing or the arts. But they sure can tell you about the advantages of the diaper genie.

I guess my points here are that we create our own reality. We make it as hard as we make it - whether you work outside the home or stay home. There are always going to be trade offs and sacrifices. Parenting is both a skill and an art, and not all of us are equipped with the same talents and strengths. I am not trying to rag on SAHM's. These are just my observations, both within my own family and working in a public service capacity where I see moms and kids all day long acting out their various dysfunctions. I just think that moms need to step up and take care of themselves and their sanity FIRST - otherwise how are we going to raise good kids? Thanks for indulging me the long comment...

I think "hard" is a poor choice of wording as it c...

2007-06-21T08:03:00.000-05:00

I think "hard" is a poor choice of wording as it can be completely subjective, just like peoples' various tolerances for pain. I can stick my arm out and have blood drawn with a straight face, but my twice-my-size husband will be likely to pass out.

So, while some people may not consider being a SAH parent the most difficult job they've ever had, it may be something they find incredibly draining. Running a cash register is pretty dang easy in the scheme of things, but I consider it HARD because I hate interacting with people non-stop. Others love doing the customer service schtick, however when I had to do it I watched the clock nonstop until I went home.

I think it's pointless trying to set difficulty levels on being at home vs. not - like Motherhood Uncensored's Kristin said: apples and oranges.

"From the sound of many of these comments, being a...

2007-06-18T22:52:00.000-05:00

"From the sound of many of these comments, being a SAHM is basically a horrible job. And I just wonder if everyone would be complaining so much if Oprah and company didn't say we all had a right to."

I think there is a difference between "hard" (which is somewhat vague--exhausting? challenging? hard labor?) and miserable/horrible.

I have often wondered the same thing...and, to add to that:

I think that the discussion stems from the hope that we will feel better about ourselves (we are not alone! someone else just left the kids in PJs and fed them cold pizza today, too!) but it may end up feeding into the misery. Rather than feeling okay about occasionally being less than perfect, you start to think, "If everyone else is unhappy, I just realized I am, too. And I am going to commiserate..." and you end up feeling worse.

Though it may be very easy for you, and it is for ...

2007-06-18T20:23:00.000-05:00

Though it may be very easy for you, and it is for me (one child, great sleeper, sweet disposition, no longer exclusively pumping) that doesn't mean it would be easy for someone else. I don't think other people are exaggerating or lying necessarily to make things seem more difficult for them. It just really is, even if you don't think it would be for you, or it should be.

Okay, I don't have kids. This opinion can be way ...

2007-06-18T07:23:00.000-05:00

Okay, I don't have kids. This opinion can be way off base because I don't have any progency, but bear with me. I am a teacher - a high school English teacher. I work with kids all day long, and I love it. I also love lunch time because I can have some adult conversation! Kids are great, but I don't think I could be with them 24/7. Not to mention I spent a lot of money on my education, and I'm good at what I do. It may be selfish to WANT to go back to work after having a child, but if I did, I think I would. Sure, I'd miss out on a portion of my child's life, but I'd be getting more out of mine at the same time. I'd be able to reach more than one person - in an average day, I reach at least sixty young minds in a positive manner. Would I give that up for just one, even if that one was my very own child? No way.

~Amalia~

Me again...it's pretty late so I can't quite respo...

2007-06-17T02:07:00.000-05:00

Me again...it's pretty late so I can't quite respond to this the way I want to but here goes...

What I meant by polarizing was the point another commenter brought up, that it's just the way you phrased it--it had a tinge of implicit assumption that SAHMs somehow have it easier than working moms. All things being equal--perhaps. But things are not equal.

I have a naturally low energy level. I always have. I'm guessing you don't, because the very nature of your job as a reporter would have required at least a normal energy level. (I know, because I tried it as an intern). My husband also works hundreds of miles away, so this means I am literally "on" a lot with no breaks whatsoever, and I have no family here to help. Throw in twins and some other medical problems that make me even more exhausted and you have a perfect recipe for burnout. This is what makes it so hard.

The idea of parenting special needs kids was also brought up briefly. Those people are "excused" from judgment. That's nice, but there are other situations out there that can complicate an otherwise normal trip down mommyhood lane too...like having multiples. Working moms are often bitter about the fact that they "don't have a choice" when it comes to putting their kids in daycare, and I am here to tell you I don't have a choice when it comes to being a SAHM, either. Not really. Just do the math. Most of my paycheck would be eaten up just paying for the daycare. So though I am technically staying home for the benefit of my twins--it's not like I have a choice, either. It would be financially insane. (Oh, and before anybody jumps on me about how I "should have thought about that before I had IVF,"--I didn't. Completely random, not even a history of twins in the family).

As I said before, much depends on the temperament of the mom and the kids. I have a temperament such that it doesn't take much at all to stress me out. I am one of those people that got stressed easily on the job, too. It sucks, but it's the way it is.

The last thing I take issue with is the idea that the media somehow portrays SAHMing as hard--what are you watching? Because everything I see in magazines and ads on TV make it seem like the opposite, like you're a freak if you find being a mom difficult. Perhaps this is what others are noticing when they say we're more isolated than we were decades ago (incidentally I believe we are, for a variety of reasons. Yes, even with the advent of the internet). It certainly feels like it.

I was wrong about this discussion not going anywhere, though...it's been really interesting.

I have been on both the sides. I was a SAHM for fi...

2007-06-17T01:20:00.000-05:00

I have been on both the sides. I was a SAHM for five years and now I am a WOHM. My personal experience has been that staying at home was definitely much easier though I am not stay-at-home material. Though I do make working out of home "work" (even if I say so myself), only I know how much I and the husband have to juggle things to be able to keep things sane on all fronts.

Working out of home is easier on my nerves though, as I am not the only one running around taking my daughter to her extra-curricular activities and meeting deadlines now - earlier it was only me since I was at home and supposedly had "all the time in world" :D

I think you're right, Karen! I've been a little s...

2007-06-16T15:38:00.000-05:00

I think you're right, Karen! I've been a little surprised at the outrage and indignation from some commenters, and the admonitions on how I "should have" phrased this statement. But if I'd phrased it your way, it wouldn't really be what I think anymore, would it? Because I don't think it's only true "for me." I think it's true for a lot of SAHMs. Certainly not all, but a lot.

The utopian ideal of mommyblogging is that we're revolutionaries, unafraid to share our true feelings and experiences. But I still see a total pack mentality among us. Straying outside the group consensus (like I did in this post) is like tripping a fire alarm. A LOT of people said I shouldn't have written this- but don't we all have thoughts like this from time to time, thoughts that might be unpopular, but we think them nonetheless? And wouldn't the truly revolutionary thing be to write them down and open the discussion? I don't see this as a "polarizing statement." I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong. I just thought it was interesting and wanted to hear other people's takes on it. And what's so wrong with that?

I said this a couple of weeks ago in passing on my...

2007-06-16T14:51:00.000-05:00

I said this a couple of weeks ago in passing on my "10 Things that Piss Me Off About Blogging" post. SO TRUE.

Too many of us (and I say us, because I'm guilty of it too) is that we overthink little things.

First of all, why are people birthing SIX KIDS? Sa...

2007-06-16T13:11:00.000-05:00

First of all, why are people birthing SIX KIDS? Save a kid from an orphanage if you're really interested in raising more than a couple kids.

Second, if you're actually eager to overpopulate the world by birthing that many kids, then PLEASE don't complain and PLEASE do a great job.

I think MUCH depends a lot on the mom, whether sai...

2007-06-16T12:47:00.000-05:00

I think MUCH depends a lot on the mom, whether said mom has a few disabilities herself or not, and whether or not she has twins ;)

It's easy to say something looks easy from the outside. I felt the same myself before I had kids...gawd, how hard could it be? I had no clue.

I'm not sure this discussion is going to go anywhere since the whole question was framed in such a polarizing way.